XXI: A Special Report on the Transit Strike

We're broadcasting to you live this evening, from my living room in Randolph, NJ, just miles from the site of the transit strike that is crippling the city of New York. The residents of the Big Apple are in a state of panic as a result of the first such strike in 25 years, and this one coming with Festivus just days away. Tonight, by popular demand, I will provide you a first-hand account of the strike that is crippling the nation, er, city, er borough. Same thing.

Ok, popular demand in this case means two people: my good friend Corey Harper, and Mom, who I think sometimes asks questions in a sneaky way so as to get me to move back to Indiana ("so, how is that 90 minute commute treating you?" or "so, transit strike shut the city down huh?" or "so, what do you think of the new legislation that raises NJ taxes to 107%?") Anyway, here, for what it's worth, is your simple friend Jim's take on this whole mess, since I'm sure you are tired of hearing about it on the Manhattan-centric newscasts (yeah, that was directed at you "Matt" and "Katie" if those are your real names; no one outside of Manhattan who is watching your "national" telecast cares that your driver had to navigate through extra traffic on his way down from the Upper West Side).

My unscientific estimate is that roughly 99.85% of New Yorkers fall into one of two camps on this issue: 1) it's so close to Christmas/Festivus//Hannukah/Kwanza/Insert made-up-holiday here that I'll just stay home or 2)the union is off its rocker and they are completely inconveniencing me. My friend Nir (a Democrat) used to say that no one was a Democrat on April 15th - in other words, people may say they are ok with raising taxes but man, please raise someone else's, not mine. Well, the same applies here. The most ardent union supporters were furious this morning because it was taking them three times as long to get to work. Or, they have to walk. The high today was 22, so, bad timing on the part of the union - they are not getting any sympathy in the public relations department locally. Whatever your opinion of unions may be, throw it out the window here. We're talking about New York, not exactly a bastion of conservatism, right? Well, its citizens are pretty anti-union today.
The other details you've probably heard ad nauseum on the news, so I will spare you. As for me, well today was a good day to live in New Jersey. I use the PATH (Port Authority Trans-Hudson)train, which is jointly owned and operated by the state of NJ and the state of NY. Given its state ownership, this train is not impacted by the strike. The strike is being executed by MTA (Metro Transit Authority) employees; the MTA runs the Subway system which connects the five boroughs of NYC, and it is owned and operated by the City. So, my commute was exactly like it had been every other day. Well except for the 3 hour outbound commute because of an over-turned tractor trailer (felt like I-65, ah home). Anyway, Jersey rules! At least for today.

Thursday I will head with the family in tow to Newark Airport to begin our journey to the Heartland. On that day, Jersey will not rule and I will go back to cursing it. Until then, long live the Third State.

That's all for now. A much more fun update when we get back from our trip!

XX: Getting ready for the Holidays

Live from New Jersey, it's the collector's edition of the Watson family update!

So for those of you that were wondering, that last email was just a little fun we were having here at the Watson household while using dangerous solvents to strip wallpaper. Fun with Chemicals! It's the state motto after all. We're getting ready for the big holiday trip out west and what better way to do so than to let you know what we have been up to lately.

Jimmy is playing basketball at the YMCA this year in the 6-7 year old league. So far it's been very fundamental and his dad is trying (desperately) to avoid being "that guy" on the sideline. It's much more difficult for me than it was with football, in that it is clear to everyone that I know nothing about football. Basketball, well, I like to think that playing organized basketball for 12 years and unorganized basketball for 30 has yielded some knowledge of the game. Those of you who watched me play might argue otherwise. Anyway, I'm doing my best and told Jimmy I would be happy to help him but the coach is the boss and he should listen to him. He said "kinda like you do with Mom?"

Maggie and Annie are up to their usual tricks. They visited Santa recently, which, while I did not witness first-hand, sounds like it was a circus. Maggie finally figured out that Santa was a necessary intermediary in her relationship with acquiring new toys, having tried to rely on grandparents to this point. "Don't need to talk to Santa, Dad, I'll ask Grandma" had been the motto until she finally realized she should hedge and cozy up to the big guy. So, while there was no lap-sitting, she did have a heart-to-heart with him at the Rockaway Mall. Annie was less complicit. She carried on the Watson tradition of at least one howling child that forces Regis to consider Swiss boarding school. Happy Holidays indeed. Maggie didn't seem to mind - I think she figures she will now receive Annie's allotment of Taiwanese-manufactured plastic.

Jimmy and Maggie's school has a "Christmas store" in order to teach youngsters the lessons of good old fashioned Biblical capitalism. The store is stocked with homemade and donated items and run by the 8th graders. The little ones, after fleecing their parents for money, go to the "store" and pick out items for their family members. As you might imagine, in spite of my cynicism, it is the cutest thing in the world. The notion of them thoughtfully picking these items out is enough to make the whole place seem a little dusty ("no, those aren't tears, it's the dust bunnies, I'm telling you"). Anyway, Jimmy gave Regis a necklace, me a basketball tie, Annie a purse, and Maggie a tea set and a magic wand made of gold glitter. Maggie gave me a football clock, Regis a Santa, Jimmy a squishy basketball, and Annie a set of markers. Now, this was the most ingenious purchase of them all, since Regis and I immediately said, "that was nice, but Annie can't have markers." Maggie, without more than a tenth of a second hesitation said, "I'll have them." In addition to shrewd gift selection, Maggie, like her Aunt (I'll let you all decide which one, ahem, hint, the one in the habit), came home with money left over and "offered" to "keep it." We'll need to keep an eye on her, but the problem is, while we are doing that Annie will eat off our plates.

My immediate family will be happy to know that one of its traditions is being passed on. For those of you that know the Lafayette Watsons well, you may have heard of our epic games of "hide and seek." Basically, I was known for hiding in bizarre places and Dad was known as the one you didn't want to find because he was going to scare the holy heck out of you when you did. Well, we have taken to playing those games. Annie doesn’t seem interested yet, though she is good at blowing your cover. Maggie is very cute and typically hides behind doors. Jimmy is the master and hides in some great places. Once he hid under our bed but in such a manner that Maggie and I looked under there thrice (that's right I said thrice) and couldn't find him. He said "I closed my eyes to camouflage myself."

We're looking forward to seeing some of you very soon; Happy Christmas and Merry Hanukah to the rest of you.

Cheers.

The Fake Christmas Card Letter

What a wonderful time of year: the snow is falling, the tree is trimmed, and the letters to the editor have started about the offensiveness of the politically correct labeling of the season. My favorite part is the daily delivery of the annual Christmas cards. The only thing better than trying to figure out what my wife wants for Christmas is reading the "produced for the masses" updates from friends and families. I was thinking, what if, similar to how a family might determine giving Christmas presents, what if you drew names out of a hat, and wrote another family’s Christmas letter? How great would that be? The possibilities are endless.

Well, for most of you on this list, there will be no need for such a letter, as you have been burdened with details of our family on a monthly basis. Nonetheless, here is a re-cap of the past year’s events.

In March, we packed our bags for New Jersey, the lovely state that smells a bit like a casserole made of provolone cheese, tetrahydrozolene, and feet. It’s a lovely place whose charms are hidden (much like Atlantis), and even if they weren't they wouldn't be reachable because they would be on the left side of the road.

Regis, besides helping the family survive the 700-mile relocation, applied and was admitted into the Peace Corps. This of course is in addition to her time in the Coast Guard, which did not consume much of her time in Indiana, but is keeping her quite busy here in New Jersey. You see, they have a coast here. Well, I think they do, just on the other side of the trash. She is currently spending three days a week with the "Corps" serving hot meals to the impoverished children of Monaco, who you might imagine are among the world’s poorest.

Jimmy enrolled as a mercenary with a group of guys he met on the playground. From what I understand, in 1972 these men were part of a crack commando unit that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire them. He seems to be having a ball. Just the other day he helped "medicate" one of the men so that they could get him on to a plane, and then helped convert a 1976 Dodge Ram Van into some sort of artillery vehicle. Sounds exciting!
Maggie met some neat new friends in the woods by our house, many of whom were small in stature. She helped them get their home back in good repair, and cooked some meals for them. How helpful! She’s been very busy this year. When she learned that I was asked to be called up into the army in order to fight the invading Huns, she knew that I just didn’t have the time. So, what did Maggie do? She decided to disguise herself and join in my place.

And then there is our Annie. While not yet in school, she was asked to be homecoming queen of her "Lil’ Gym" class. We were honored, and she agreed to do it even though it meant she couldn’t join her teammates in the locker room at halftime. After all, she is the quarterback. Oh, and as you may have heard she ended up wandering into one of the closets in our new house and ended up participating in the emancipation of some other-worldly race of animals. What a girl!

Me, I’m still working as a carnie offering fried food to people all over the country. Sure, the hours are tough, but you can just imagine that meeting all those wonderful people makes the third-degree grease burns worth it!

Merry Christmas to you all!

Ok, can you tell I've always wanted to write a fake Christmas letter and my parents wouldn't let me?

"Serious" Update in the next few days.