NYC Update Vol. VII: Mr. Mom

Greetings all,
Let me start by extending a warm welcome to Julie Ritter, who joins the list. For the non "Ford" family members on the list, Julie is my cousin, currently living in Kansas City with her husband Kyle and their son Matthew, my first cousin once removed. In 2002, just a scant time after joining the family, Kyle won the Inaugural Ford Family "Golf N Grub" (patent pending). We don't invite Kyle to family competitions anymore. With any luck, Julie and her family will be sending us some BBQ soon.

Quick housekeeping … I wanted to share a quick NYC fun fact for you, that came to mind after the last update. My cousin Jess and I traded emails after that update was sent out and I learned that her employer changed formats on one of its radio stations... to Country. What is happening there in Indy? Anyway, now Jess is using words like "folk" and "yup" and "Merle Haggard" in her emails. You'll be in our prayers Jess. Back to the original point … one of the FM stations here, 101.1 WCBS, has a morning show called the Mickey Dolens Morning show, because it is hosted by Davy Jones. No, just kidding, it's hosted by former Monkee Mickey Dolens. No word on whether or not Neil Diamond writes the material for his show.

One more quick note. The staff is currently looking into some alternative delivery models for this update. Email is nice and all, but we're exploring some enhancements…stay tuned, we need to do some testing before we finalize anything. Now, on to the update….

Normally, I write these updates on the train, save them, let Regis read them (she gets worried about what I might write for some reason), then send them out. One exception was the Central Park update, because we had such a good time that I came home that night and wrote it, just to insure that I didn't forget anything. Naturally, that was the one update where I did forget something and had to send out an addendum, but I digress. Anyway, tonight is another exception. You see, we're all by our lonesome tonight, because Regis is enjoying a weekend away. At least she says it's a weekend. She sure packed an awful lot. Anyway, on Friday morning, she headed up to Hampton, NH, to visit her friend Meagen who was visiting her father (Meagen's not Regis's). Her trip included "going to Maine to go shopping, because we can." I will let her tell you all about it sometime.

Anyway, with Mom away for the weekend, you can imagine the "festive" atmosphere at the Watson house!

Conversation from Thursday:
Regis: "Jimmy, you need to be good this weekend, it will be just you and Dad and the girls."
Jimmy: "Just us and Dad?" (wheels turning…)
Regis: "Yes"
Jimmy: "Sweet, we can watch TV"

What a great reputation I have as a parent.

Conversation from Friday afternoon via cell-phone:
Regis: "Oh, good, you answered, you're alive"
Me: (inaudible due to background noise)

In all seriousness, the days were great. Friday's rainy weather forced a triple matinee of Cinderella ("Bibby Bobby Boo"), Thumbelina ("mummalina") and Beauty & the Beast ("Belle"), which is my favorite because we get to sing the Gaston song (any song featuring the word "expectorating" in the lyrics is a keeper). Today was gorgeous, so we played outside, enjoyed the day, and even went to the grocery store (picture that one for a second). We even had a picnic after dinner (main course of the picnic: ice cream). Don't tell Regis about that one. Great times, I'm sure there will be significant detox for the kids on Monday, and for me. The only major setback to speak of was a four-alarm, two packages of wipes, blow-out from Annie that forced a second outfit, an immediate bath, and a phone call to the EPA's Hazmat disposal hotline. Thankfully, there was no need to call any industrial cleaning services.

The important thing is to cherish these moments, because some day these kids will be off on their own adventures. And I learned something too. I learned that low expectations from your spouse are good, especially given the current condition of the house. Don't worry, we'll furiously clean things up once she calls and says she's an hour away.

Of course, the big news was Friday night, as some of you may know, when we found out that our new nephew/cousin, George Arnold Storey had arrived (I sure hope that is my nephew's name...I think it is). Dad called, but the kids were asleep, so this morning, I shared the news with them. It was clear that they were excited. Well, Jimmy was excited. Then Maggie was excited because Jimmy was excited. Then Annie started laughing and running around as if she were in a particle accelerator. Anyway, they were pretty fired up.

Well, it's off to bed. I've taken my maximum dosage of Aleve for the weekend, so the only thing left is slumber. On Monday, when I return to work, I will be submitting the application for Regis's canonization.

VI: Trip to see the "Aunts"

Greetings all,

I'd like to welcome Uncles Mark and Jeff, and my Aunt Mary, and their families to the list, as it keeps growing with every update. Rumor has it Uncle Jeff is writing some updated software to distribute to all of your e-mail accounts so you can block these updates. Our staff is diligently trying to confirm that report.

Real-life conversation I had recently:
Reader of email: "You should be a writer, not an accountant."
Me: "Why's that?"
Reader of email: "These updates are funny, especially the stories about the kids."
Me: "I should be a writer because I have funny children and I can type?"

Anyway, to keep my creditors and my employer (who maybe listening in) happy, I have no plans to retire to life as a starving columnist. For now, I will stick to these feeble descriptions of our time in the Northeast.

It probably seems that I'm sending these a little more frequently, but in all honesty, we've been busy, so there is much minutiae to report. After saying good-by to Joan last Wednesday (there was much sadness, especially among the "under 4 feet tall" demographic), we set our sights on the weekend, which involved seeing Joan again, Aunt Jill and Uncle "Patkick" and of course, Grandma and Grandpa Watson (there was much rejoicing, especially among the "ages 1 to 6.75" demographic). This latest adventure took us down the Garden State Parkway (a.k.a I-95), through Delaware, then Baltimore, then onto the Beltway, and you guessed it -- to Culpeper, Virginia! Yes, after about 5 hours, $22 in tolls, and whatever a tank of gas costs these days, we made it to the sprawling Storey family estate. Jill and Patrick have a great new house with a huge yard, perfect for the entire family to come and stay. In fact, she said that I could invite every single person on this list to come and stay at their house. The first couple of weeks in June will be perfect! Jill looks like "she could pop any day now," that "there must be four kids in there," and that "she must feel awful." And I only say these things because I'm sure she hasn't heard them forty-five times yet today. But seriously, she looks great, Patrick and Jill seem very excited, and I'm sure that the house will be brimming with mayhem soon! Like a "Watson" household usually is.

On Sunday, we drove over to Maryland to see Sister Mary Grace, who is clearly slumming in her new assignment, wink wink. Her convent is about a stone's throw from the beautiful Chesapeake Bay, and is a great house for kids. Mine made themselves at home right away, and we almost were able to convince Maggie and Annie to stay. One of the highlights of the visit was Sister Mary Grace giving Maggie a doll that was a sister, or as the box described it so aptly, a "16 inch Nun doll." Maggie loved the doll, and was so excited that she gave Sister Mary Grace a kiss and told her "kank you sweetie." It was very hard to leave North Beach, but we will hopefully see everyone again soon. Pictures of the visit will be forthcoming; I forgot to download them off the camera last night.

We'll be in that area again for a wedding on the 11th of June, maybe you all can come meet us there. We'll all stay at Jill's.

That's plenty for now; pass this along to whomever and please let us know how you are doing.

Take care,

Jim

NYC Update V, Part II Central Park (addendum)

Oops….I need to forward an addendum to yesterday's update. Two important Maggie stories were omitted. It's good to have editors on hand.

While in Central Park, we spotted Belvedere Castle, which was a National Weather Service Lookout in the 19th century and which resembles castles you might find in Scotland or Ireland. Maggie and Jimmy were thrilled at the thought of exploring the castle…"Daddy, go to the Cackle, Daddy?" So we entered the "cackle", and climbed the narrow circular stairway to the top. The staircase was a one-lane bridge, so to speak, with a blind turn, so that you could hear but not see who was coming down as you began your ascent. Anyway, Maggie was determined to go up by herself, oblivious to those at the top who were patiently waiting for her to climb the stairs. She turned to me and asked, "there a dragon in the cackle?" As I responded, "No, honey, there is no dragon in this castle," those waiting began to laugh hysterically. Perhaps more from the disappointment Maggie seemed to show at my answer, than at the question itself.

After we returned from the Park, and Maggie had finished a two-hour recovery nap, she started a new game with Aunt Joannie, called "Slumber Party." In this game, the participants lie down, pretending to sleep, then Maggie wakes them up, screams "Cake time" and all begin to pretend to furiously eat what must be cake scraps from the floor. Apparently Maggie has been watching her sister eat.

Have a great day.

-Jim

NYC Update V : Central Park

Greetings all, and Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms out there.

Thanks to my father's suggestion, we're going with Roman Numerals from now on. Also, I'll spare you from the New Jersey oddities this time. Though some discussion may be warranted regarding our recently-hired Mexican-American lawn care specialist, whose name is Hans. My father-in-law asked me what language Hans spoke, given his German name and Hispanic, um, pigmentation. I replied "Swiss." My wife responded less sarcastically, assuring her father that Hans speaks English. Hans is from Dover, which is on the other side of a large hill from our town, and which has, for whatever reason, attracted a number of "immigrants" from "Texas" (Mexico). Hans is a very nice young man, and you read that correctly, I no longer cut my own grass (more on that some other time).

On to the update! I know you can hardly wait! Let's see if we can overuse exclamation points!

Aunt Joannie arrived Thursday from Culpeper, Virginia via Amtrak and was met by a throng of adoring fans in Mo-Town, a.k.a. Morristown, a.k.a. Randolph Township. With Joan in town, we decided that this would a good opportunity to go to Central Park, as with the addition of another adult (relatively speaking), we could employ a man-to-man defense on the kids, as opposed to the matchup zone. After much game-planning, they have learned to exploit the zone defense and we certainly don't need to be exposed going into a city of 7 million people. So, we loaded up the van, a backpack filled with food, water and rappelling gear, grabbed two lightweight umbrella strollers, and went over the game plan. Joan, having trained for this mission the last four months in Rome, would be responsible for Jimmy. She would be carrying Regis's spare cell phone in the event of an emergency. Regis, equipped with her cell phone would have Maggie, and I, armed with my Blackberry, would be responsible for Annie. If "responsible" is the right word there...

Today, we took the van down I-80 and across the George Washington Bridge, which crosses the Hudson Tidal Estuary at the north end of Manhattan. To give those of you unfamiliar with NYC some bearings, Manhattan Streets run east and west across town and are numbered from 1st to 200th in ascending order as you progress northward. The Avenues run north and south and are numbered from 1st to 9th in ascending order as your progress westward. The GW bridge is at approximately 190th street. Central Park lies between 59th Street and 110th Street, and between 5th Avenue and 7th Avenue. So, bottom line, Central Park, is Gi-normous (credit to Jess for letting me borrow that word).

Once arriving at the Park, we decided to check things out. As I said, it's huge, so we did quite a bit of walking, which guaranteed us two things -- peace and quiet once the kids collapsed from exhaustion, and crabby kids immediately prior to said collapse. We also needed to find some ducks, because Maggie had her mind set on feeding them, despite our attempts at distracting her. Highlights included a ride on the Carousel, which Annie loved and Maggie didn't love (Joan has the photos of that experience), finally feeding the ducks in the Lake, playing tag on the Lawn, exploring Belvedere Castle, and swinging on some swings in a random little part of the Park. At one point, Joan, Regis, and I were on the swings and the three kids were watching, a proud moment, and quite telling about my maturity level.

After several hours in the Park, we drove down 7th avenue, through Times Square, past the Empire State Building, and down to the Holland Tunnel. We did all this for Joannie, so she could see the sights, and so we could get honked at by about 34 cab drivers. The Holland Tunnel took us back to NJ, and past the backside of the Statue of Liberty. Maggie was not interested in seeing the Statue of Liberty, despite her brother's assurances. "Maggie, she's a lady, and steady, like frozen in freeze tag." They should put that on the brochure.

Yes, Regis has a spare cell phone.

That's plenty for now; pass this along to whomever and please let us know how you are doing.

Take care,

Jim

NYC Update Vol. 4 Lizzie's getting fat

Greetings all,

The list keeps growing -- welcome to my uncle Jeff and aunt Jane. What I really want to know is when the first person will ask to be removed the list. My money is on Dad, at some point in the very near future.

I'm stuck in a hotel room away from my family, so I'm going to be wordy…strap in.

We had our first "blue state" experience here in New Jersey, which actually has a roundabout family tie in a way. Bear with me. The other day we found out that here in the Garden State, aside from being unable to turn left in your car (more on that another time), by law you must recycle. I'm not going to make some comment about the state being run by socialists pining for a pseudo-Swedish government, because that would make me sound so "red state" right? No, and it's not because the state is striving to maintain its status as the Garden State (Newark springs to my mind right away as such a vernal, tree-laden community doesn't it). Actually, the real reason is because New Jersey outsources its trash. Yes, that is correct, we ship our trash to other states, which I believe my uncle Jack helped the Hoosier State litigate against in State of Indiana v. New Jersey's Trash circa 1988. But I digress. Anyway, some poor sap is employed by the state to (brace yourself) sort through my trash and determine if I inappropriately dispose of recyclables -- if I did, I would be subject to a fine. Now, I know what you are saying "Jim, you're so resourceful, there has to be a way around this, like going to a gas station or an apartment complex and using their dumpster." Nope. Get this, in New Jersey, dumpsters all have security cameras monitoring them. I wish I was making this up. Bottom line, we're recycling now.

More New Jersey oddities in later editions. Like a discussion on the freak-show factor of my blonde-haired, blue-eyed children (imagine the reaction a blonde woman gets in Japan), or maybe even some dialogue about bear warnings. Now that I think about it, I could probably start a "New Jersey oddity of the day" calendar. I'll look into that. But for now, on to the latest adventure.

This one was a personal adventure. A group of us from work went to a New York Yankees game the other night, to see the dreaded men in pinstripes face the "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim." Whatever genius decided that needed to be the team's name, is destined for some high-ranking government position. Anyway, it was my first trip to Yankee Stadium. A few words on the experience. The location of the stadium (the Bronx) is an often-discussed, but somewhat overrated, "downside" -- the subway lets you off right outside the stadium; the stadium is so close you could spit on it -- some people do, I think. It's a nice stadium, in need of some heavy scrubbing on the interior (concession areas, etc), but not a bad place to watch game. I decided, after a few $7 beers, that I don't hate the Yankees, I'm indifferent to them. I hate the Knicks. I once prayed that God would curse the Knicks, but Mom told me that this is not how God worked. Then the Knicks hired Isiah Thomas. I think Mom was wrong. Anyway, people seem to hate the Yankees because they win, which seems to me to be a strange reason to hate a team. The Yankees have classic uniforms, their captain seems to be standup guy, as does their manager, and their owner, while a few sprinkles short of a sundae, will do whatever he needs to do to win. Wouldn't you love an owner like that if it was your favorite team? I bet the Clippers fans would. Both of them. Anyway, I rooted for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim because I like Vlad Guerrero. He swings at everything and still hits .344, and he throws a baseball as if some sort of laser guided weaponry is attached to his shoulder. And his name is Vladimir. As for Yankees fans, well, they are insane, I'm sure of it. Case in point: in the third inning, with no one on base, Yankee outfielder Gary Sheffield hit a bloop to right field. The fans erupted as if Gary had just hit a 450-foot home run in game 7 of the World Series, when in fact it was a single in the 3rd inning of a meaningless game in April. The man next to me mentioned something about bearing one of Gary's children. I'm quite certain at the conclusion of the game that these 55,000 people wanted to give Gary a key to the city, maybe a tract of land in the Hamptons. A mere twenty minutes later, in the top of the 4th inning the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim had runners on base. A ball was hit to our man Gary, who misplayed the ball, allowing two Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim to score. The fans erupted again. This time, it was a chorus of indecipherable insults, most of which involved members of Gary's family. Truly amazing … no middle ground with these people. Perhaps this answers my question about why people hate the Yankees. Anyway, it was a good way to spend an evening, and neat to see the historic park.

On the family adventure front, our most recent planned trip was delayed by rain. We had Regis's parents in for the weekend (our first visitors, not including Meagen) and Joannie is coming soon (with an adventure to follow). Maybe with Joan here you will get two updates from Watson family members on the same happenings -- you can compare and contrast the differing views.

Oh, and before I go... "But how are the kids doing," you say. Annie and Maggie are getting along a little better in the new room. Maggie and Jimmy like to play a game called "Annie coming!" which involves Annie sitting on the floor minding her own business, oblivious to her surroundings (chip off the old block) and Maggie and Jimmy running away from Annie as if she were chasing them. School is going well for Jimmy -- we heard yet again from people at the school that it "seems like Jimmy has been here all year" and "he seems better adjusted than most of the kids in the class." Must be his mother's influence. A couple of Fridays ago we were at dinner and he proclaimed that Lizzie, from his class, was getting quite fat and they were hoping she would lose weight soon. Of course, as his mother and I began to admonish him for such talk, he added that any day she was expected to lay her eggs. Lizzie is a frog.

That's plenty for now; pass this along to whomever and please let us know how you are doing.

Take care,

Jim