Movie Quote Mania

We’re broadcasting live from the Watson living room, basking in the glow of 50” of HD, LCD glory, for the single biggest TV event of the summer. No, not the A-Team reunion. It’s the American Film Institute’s Top 100 Movie Quotes. Has there ever been a show more fitting for me? In honor of this event (I’m so excited I’m about to pee), and in homage to my favorite columnist (don’t ask, some of you may know who it is), I will be tracking the events with a running diary. Since I couldn’t be with you all for this magical moment, I will share my thoughts as they are happening.

Before we start, here’s my crack at the top 10, in no order, and in fragments so I can type them quicker:

Casablanca – “here’s looking at you kid”
Gone with the Wind – “frankly dear I don’t give a damn”
On the Waterfront – “I coulda been a contender”
Wizard of Oz – “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore”
Any of the Bond movies – “Bond, James Bond”
Few Good Men – “You can’t handle the truth”
Cool Hand Luke – “What we’ve got here, is failure to communicate”
Godfather – “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse”
Citizen Kane – “Rosebud”
Field of Dreams – “if you build it, he will come”

Yes, I am a dork.

And yes, my life is devoid of any real meaning.

So here we go!

8:00 (all times EDT): I’m on the edge. This is great, the intro features some great quotes, including “have you ever seen a grown man naked” from Airplane. This will be the single biggest night of my TV life. The intro alone was worth the price of admission, with Caddyshack, Dirty Harry, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. I’m aflutter. The only question now is how they are going to stretch this out for three hours.

8:03 – Our host for the evening is Pierce Brosnon. He’s wearing a suit that he borrowed from my insurance salesman. Don’t you think he should only be allowed to wear a tux? Ok, I think I’m scaring myself.

8:04 – Number 100 is Titanic, “The King of the World” – they are playing that dreadful Celine Dion song, this is brutal. I’m rethinking this whole thing, and it only took 60 seconds.

8:06 – Number 99 is Wizard of Oz “I’ll get you my pretty” – instant redemption. We’re back on track. And no, I will not be typing a reaction to every quote. I would get carpal tunnel syndrome. But it bears mentioning that on Number 98, “nobody puts baby in a corner” from Dirty Dancing, that Regis audibly cheered. And I did too, only because I’m hoping the next three hours will be Swayze-free.

8:08 – Looks like the format for the night will be showing random clips from the movie in question, some random comments from Fifth-Tier Celebrities, and then wrapping up with the big quote. Good stuff.

8:10 – Regis is getting into this now. She just asked me what actor will be most represented. My money is on Pacino, Nicholson, or Brando. I’m sensing some serious side-betting potential. I will redeem my loss during the AFI’s Top 100 Movie songs. Ok, we better move on.

8:11 – Number 94 is “I feel the need for speed” from Top Gun. Best part here is that we were spared from the beach volleyball scene.

8:12 – When is the first Ahnold Schwarzenegger quote? If Ahnold is anywhere near the Top 20, we’re in trouble. Of course, I say this and can think of about 10 quotes from Predator that I would put on this list.

8:13 – YES! Caddyshack’s first (of hopefully many entries) – and it’s our man Carl Spackler, “It’s in the hole.” Personally, I think number 92 is an injustice here. This quote is top 20 worthy. They could have a Top 100 solely comprised of Caddyshack quotes. I’m starting my letter to the Institute now.

8:19 – Our first Bond quote, “Martini, shaken, not stirred” – Number 90. Seems a little early, right? I was thinking Top 50 for this one.

8:20 – A moment of silence, please. At Number at 89 is “Win just one for the Gipper” from “Knute Rockne All-American.” They are playing the fight song….it’s getting dusty in here. I’m going to need a minute.

8:28 – Our first glimpse of Animal House, and after several quotes from movies I had never seen. It’s “Toga Toga” – at number 82. This better be the first of about four to six quotes from this movie. Yes, I care way too much about this.

8:32 – “Herbie … is a car” Oh wait, that’s not on the list, it’s just from the “Herbie Fully Loaded” commercial, the ninth time I’ve seen it so far tonight.

8:35 – Rocky…. “Yo, Adrian.” Somewhere Tim Arnold is thankful that the Rocky IV speech is still alive for the Top 10.

8:36 – Number 79 is “Don’t call me Shirley” from “Airplane” …. The problem here is that they just showed about 40 quotes while introducing the featured quote. That’s not a good sign. I had high hopes that Airplane would dominate the list and now I fear that this is the last Airplane sighting for the night. We’re in trouble.

8:38 – “Open the Pod Bay Doors Hal” …Someday I think my TV will start treating me like Hal did to Dave.

8:39 – Ahnold’s first appearance, at Number 76. “Hasta la vista Baby” from T2. Ahnold’s gotta be good for at least three quotes tonight.

8:44 -- “No wire hangers” at Number 71 from Mommie Dearest. Wow, Faye Dunaway in rare form. I forgot how creepy that movie was. But, let’s be honest, can this line possibly be better than “Toga Toga” – c’mon now.

8:48 – Commercial break. Regis is actively on IMDB.com looking up Patrick Swayze trivia. Apparently Pat has been a Catholic, Baptist, Buddhist, and Scientologist. Sounds like a fun guy. Hey, Pat I think the Mormons are on the way over.

8:49 – We break for a Big Brother 6 Promo. I apparently missed Big Brother 2 through 5.

8:50 – We see Pierce again, fresh off of the commercial break. This is the second time we’ve seen him all night. I seriously think he had to do about 11 minutes of taping for this show.

8:51 – Poltergeist, “They’re here” at Number 69. This one brings back bad memories of watching the movie at age 7 in my Grandma’s basement with my uncle Jeff. My Grandma had a scary basement – I think I finally slept again when I turned 11.

8:52 – Number 68: The Shining. “Here’s Johnny” Not only is this way too early for what has to be a Top 40 quote, but that’s two “Grandma’s basement” movies in a row. Eerie.

8:53 – Casablanca at Number 67 “Of all the gin joints…yadda yadda…solid quote from a great movie. Something from Casablanca has got to be in the top three, bank on it.

8:54 – “Elementary my dear Watson” at Number 65. Indeed, Sherlock, indeed.

8:56 – The Graduate makes an appearance at Number 63. “Mrs. Robinson, you are trying to seduce me.” May you rest in peace Mrs. Robinson. Jesus loves you more than you will know.

8:58 – Number 61 has Pacino with his second showing on the list (by my informal count thus far), this time from Scarface. “Say hello… to my little friend!” I secretly hoped it would be top ten, but we know our friends at AFI would never let that happen.

9:00 – Here’s a random thought, any chance that Die Hard’s most prominent line will be featured? Or does that teeny-tiny little curse word eliminate from contention? Hmmm, maybe it will make it on the HBO version.

9:02 – Commercial break, and just in time, we just had to suffer through a few yawners. We need to liven this up somehow, there’s simply not enough gambling going on. So far, no Godfather, no Eastwood, the entire Airplane catalog was spilled on one quote, I don’t know, it’s a mixed bag thus far. Nothing too controversial, so I’m saving my outrage…I know it’s coming soon.

9:07 – I spoke too soon, the first Godfather quote… From Number 2, it’s “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer” Number 58? Are you kidding me? That’s a top 20 quote. I’m outraged (so much for saving it). That’s Pacino’s third quote, for those of you scoring at home.

9:10 – Annie Hall, “La-dee-da.” At Number 55. You have got to be joking. This is a better quote than “Keep your friends close??? ….ridiculous. It does bring to mind a random question – as any actor ever become their character after a movie was over, like Diane Keaton became Annie Hall. Weird.

9:12 – “There’s no crying in baseball.” I thought this might be headed for Top 20, at least the Top 30, right? The Top 20 better be phenomenal…I’m starting to get worked up.

9:14 – “You had me at hello.” Now I’m getting seriously irked. Katie Holmes’ boyfriend’s second appearance on the list, sort of, since it was actually the ever-annoying Reene Zellwinger that said this. Again, how is there any way this quote beats ANYTHING from Godfather II? I’m launching an investigation.

9:15 – Dirty Harry: “You gotta ask yourself one question, do I feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?” At Number 51…hmmmm, another quote I thought would contend for the top twenty. Yes, my expectations for the Top 20 just jumped about forty notches. I must be forgetting some absolutely incredible movie quotes.

9:20 – Apollo 13: “Houston, we have a problem” at Number 50. I’m totally confused now. I thought that quote might vie for the top 10. Regis is revising her Top Ten as we speak.

9:23 – Regis finally gives me her list, in no particular order:

“Here's lookin' at you kid”
“You can't handle the truth”
“I guess we're not in Kansas anymore”
“If you build it, he will come”
“Rosebud”
“Frankly dear I don't give a damn”
(I think she’s cheating…)
“Show me the money”
“Bueller, Bueller”
“You’ll shoot your eye out” from Christmas Story
“I'll be back”
(Ahnold in the top ten?)


9:24 – “Shane! Come back!” From the similarly titled movie, which of course reminds me of the book report I did in 10th grade.

9:27 – “Stella!” from Streetcar Named Desire, at Number 45. Reminds me of the Seinfeld where Elaine gets looped on painkillers and quotes the movie. Funny stuff.

9:28 – “I see dead people.” Of course you do, Forrest Jr., of course you do.

9:29 – Casablanca’s second appearance, at Number 43 with “we’ll always have Paris.” Scary moment, I thought we were losing another top ten there.

9:30 – Graduate’s second quote comes in at Number 42, this time we have Mr. McGuire’s advice…. “I’ve got one word for you Ben, Plastics”

9:37 – Ok, I’m furious now. “If you build it he will come.” Number 39! This is insane. That has to be Top Ten. Sure, I’m a little biased because I played baseball on that field and I’ve seen the movie seventy-three times and I still cry when they have a catch at the end. But number 39? This is just not right. If you thought I was critical about the Godfather quote (which I haven’t forgotten about by the way), I just ramped up the criticism index about tenfold.

9:40 – Terminator and with it Ahnold’s second appearance. What’s better, the quotes, or listening to Ahnold explain them here on the show? This guy is the governor of a state. The quote, at number 37, is “I’ll be back.” On another note, one of Regis’s top ten entries is gone.

9:41 – “I don’t have to show you no stinking badges” from the Treasure of Sierre Madre. For 15 years I thought that line was from Blazing Saddles. Who knew?

9:42 – Number 35 is “we’re going to need a bigger boat” from Jaws. Good quote, but better than “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” – I mean c’mon. No, I won’t let that die.

9:44 – The Harry Met Sally scene. Is that even a quote? I guess the “I’ll have what she’s having” is the quote, but c’mon, Number 34? Maybe 94.

9:46 – Casablanca’s third entry, which makes sense.... a great movie with great quotes. “Round up the usual suspects” is the quote here. We’ve just been told that there are six quotes from Casablanca on the list. This might be the only thing that makes sense so far. I mean, it might take me weeks to get over the Field of Dreams and Godfather II debacles.

9:51 – One of our guest commentators is Robert Hays, who of course played the part of Ted Striker in “Airplane.” I expected Bob to be giving us his thoughts on comedic quotes, but now he is giving his thoughts on Gone with the Wind. I want my Ted Striker in the form of Airplane quotes, not commentary. Guess Bob needs to pay the rent.

9:53 – A Few Good Men. This better not be what I think it is…. No, can’t be. But we’re talking about Santiago… this isn’t good… no…no “did you order the code red? .... (no no no …sigh… yes, it’s “You can’t handle the Truth.” At 29? Tell me how this isn’t Top 10, or at least Top 15. This list could be the worst ever.

9:55 – “Play it Sam” – which we learn is the real line, not “play it again Sam” Of course, the song is “You must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss.” Yes, I’m singing right now.

9:56 – I’ve been told that my singing is a) bad and b) could wake up the kids.

9:58 – Number 25 is….. “Show me the Money.” There is no justice in the world. No way should this quote have seen the Top 25 given the ones that were omitted. I blame the Scientologists.

9:59 -- We have an hour to go, and we’re at number 24. This next hour better be phenomenal. By the way, Lindsey Lohan is on Dave Letterman tonight. I think she ate a green bean yesterday for dinner and a grain of slimfast this morning for breakfast.

10:05 – A Pierce Brosnon sighting! Holy cow, I forgot he was even hosting this farce of a show. I should’ve known it was a bad sign when he didn’t have the tux on. Seriously, the only thing that can save this debacle is a Predator quote.

10:05 – “I am big, it’s the pictures that got small” is Number 24. Any guesses as to what movie this is from. Any? Need a hint? Need me to complain about the three to five quotes that now appear to be PAINFULLY omitted from the Top 25?

10:06 – Wizard of Oz…. what quote is this? There is some fear in the house, is this another top ten quote falling? No, we’re safe – its “There’s no place like home.” Honestly, deserves to be in the Top 25. I won’t complain here.

10:07 – Number 22… now I’ll complain. “Bond, James Bond.” Are you serious? C’mon. This quote is so solid, it’s in twenty movies, not just one. That has to put it in the top ten. At least we are getting to see some serious Bond highlights.

10:09 – “Fave beans and a nice chianti”…. Ah, Dr. Lector. It’s about time we had a Silence of the Lambs quote. Solid entry at Number 21.

10:10 – Casablanca again. This time it’s “Louis, I think this is the beginning of beautiful friendship.” No arguments there. By the way, George Lucas should have hired the Casablanca writers. Even though they are dead, they would have saved the writing on his dreadful prequels.

10:18 – Mom weighs in via Instant Messenger (how scary is that last phrase) with “Burt Reynolds looks horrible.” I forgot to mention that Burt is a guest commentator tonight.

10:19 -- “Rosebud” at Number 17. How is this not a Top Ten quote? The movie is widely considered one of the top three movies of all time. And the ENTIRE movie is based on that quote. How can it be Number 17? How? Why?

10:20 – “ET Phone home” at Number 15. Top Fifty, maybe. Top 15? This is such a joke that I’m not even going to waste words on it. I’ve typed too much on this already. I will say this though. No one can possibly tell me a time when they have quoted this before quoting Caddyshack, Animal House, or Airplane. No one.

10:22 – Number 14 is from the Maltese Falcon. Looks like Bogart is going to be our most prominently featured actor. The quote here is “The stuff that dreams are made of.” For some reason, I just realized we haven’t seen Jimmy Stewart tonight at all.

10:24 – Number 13 is “Love means never having to say your sorry” from Love Story. And the Godfather quote was number fifty-something. Yeah, that makes sense. I’m about three seconds from cardiac arrest.

10:25 – Apocalypse Now’s “I love the smell of napalm in the morning” at Number 12 – I just cheered up. Let’s hope we’re in for smooth sailing here on out.

10:26 – Cool Hand Luke comes in at number 11. I missed this one by one spot, thought it was top ten for sure….. “What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.”

10:27 – Commercial time, ten more to go. “I’m dragging” says Reege. So is this diary. I can feel at least one more rage-filled outburst coming on, maybe two. That’ll get the adrenaline going.

10:32 – It just hit me. We’ve seen ONE Godfather quote. One. Uno. A single quote. The movies won two Best Picture Oscars. We’ve seen two Ahnold quotes. And about 17 quotes from movies neither you nor I have heard of. Think about that.

10:33 – Reege has five left for the top ten. I have five as well.

10:33 – DeNiro’s first appearance comes at number ten. “You talkin to me?” from Taxi Driver. How in the name of Travis Bickle did I forget that line? I’m mad at myself now, first time tonight.

10:34 – Number Nine is some Bette Davis movie quote. I just threw my computer across the room.

10:35 – Star Wars. Not Empire, but Star Wars…. “May the Force be with you.” I’ll give them that one, at number eight. Solid entry.

10:37 – Another old movie (Sunset Boulevard) that I haven’t seen, and the quote is “All right Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.” Words cannot express my anger at this stage.

10:39 – During the commercial break Regis informs me that Petula Clark was in the off-Broadway production of Sunset Boulevard. The song “Downtown” is my head now; there is no hope for sleep tonight.

10:42 – Number 6 is from Sudden Impact. Of course, it’s “Go Ahead, Make my Day.” Another painful omission from my personal Top Ten (how could I forget that one) and another one (of the few) that AFI got right.

10:44 – Casablanca again. This should’ve been the Casablanca Top 100. “Here’s looking at you kid” at Number Five. Actually, every sentence in the paragraph leading up to the line is worthy of the Top 40.

10:45 – Number 4… Wizard of Oz, “We’re not in Kansas in anymore.” All that was missing was Pink Floyd playing in the background. Reege and I each have two top ten picks correct at this point. Not a strong showing, but I think I’m going to win tonight.

10:47 – Three more to go, so it’s commercial time. Odds of us seeing Pierce Brosnon again are 12 to 1. Oh, and based on a teaser they just showed, we know Brando, Gable, or Jimmy Stewart have two of the top three. I’m going with Brando, with Gable getting the other one. Which means Jimmy Stewart will be shut out of the Top 100. That’s crazy.

10:50 – We’re back, and it’s “On the Waterfront.” Brando, baby. “I coulda been a contender.” I’m going to win the side-bet, which completely makes up for this dreadful show.

10:51 -- Robert Hays is telling us that he cries when he watches “On the Waterfront.” Seriously, at 10:51, I don’t want to know what makes Ted Striker cry.

10:53 – Number two: Brando again, this time from the Godfather. Rob Reiner just told us that every guy he knows can spout 100 Godfather quotes. Now, I realize we “guys” only make up 49% of the population, but that doesn’t really jive with the AFI’s inclusion of JUST TWO Godfather quotes. Seriously, what is the bigger outrage? Just two Godfather quotes, or just one apiece from Airplane, Caddyshack, and Animal House. Anyway, the quote is “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.”

10:55 – They just showed the horse head in bed. What a great movie.

10:56 – Gone with the Wind at number 1. “Frankly my dear…” No brainer, right?

I’m going to land five top 10 quotes, which isn’t strong, but at least I nailed all of the top five, and all ten of mine were on the list. Regis is asleep now. If it weren’t for Petula, I could be soon. All in all, an entertaining evening, though the list is wrought with flaws. I need to get some sleep and digest the list in the morning. And maybe you can convince me I’m wrong about some of these, but I doubt it. I think they got more wrong than they did right. One thing we can all agree on though – I need help.