The Fake Christmas Card Letter
What a wonderful time of year: the snow is falling, the tree is trimmed, and the letters to the editor have started about the offensiveness of the politically correct labeling of the season. My favorite part is the daily delivery of the annual Christmas cards. The only thing better than trying to figure out what my wife wants for Christmas is reading the "produced for the masses" updates from friends and families. I was thinking, what if, similar to how a family might determine giving Christmas presents, what if you drew names out of a hat, and wrote another family’s Christmas letter? How great would that be? The possibilities are endless.
Well, for most of you on this list, there will be no need for such a letter, as you have been burdened with details of our family on a monthly basis. Nonetheless, here is a re-cap of the past year’s events.
In March, we packed our bags for New Jersey, the lovely state that smells a bit like a casserole made of provolone cheese, tetrahydrozolene, and feet. It’s a lovely place whose charms are hidden (much like Atlantis), and even if they weren't they wouldn't be reachable because they would be on the left side of the road.
Regis, besides helping the family survive the 700-mile relocation, applied and was admitted into the Peace Corps. This of course is in addition to her time in the Coast Guard, which did not consume much of her time in Indiana, but is keeping her quite busy here in New Jersey. You see, they have a coast here. Well, I think they do, just on the other side of the trash. She is currently spending three days a week with the "Corps" serving hot meals to the impoverished children of Monaco, who you might imagine are among the world’s poorest.
Jimmy enrolled as a mercenary with a group of guys he met on the playground. From what I understand, in 1972 these men were part of a crack commando unit that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire them. He seems to be having a ball. Just the other day he helped "medicate" one of the men so that they could get him on to a plane, and then helped convert a 1976 Dodge Ram Van into some sort of artillery vehicle. Sounds exciting!
Maggie met some neat new friends in the woods by our house, many of whom were small in stature. She helped them get their home back in good repair, and cooked some meals for them. How helpful! She’s been very busy this year. When she learned that I was asked to be called up into the army in order to fight the invading Huns, she knew that I just didn’t have the time. So, what did Maggie do? She decided to disguise herself and join in my place.
And then there is our Annie. While not yet in school, she was asked to be homecoming queen of her "Lil’ Gym" class. We were honored, and she agreed to do it even though it meant she couldn’t join her teammates in the locker room at halftime. After all, she is the quarterback. Oh, and as you may have heard she ended up wandering into one of the closets in our new house and ended up participating in the emancipation of some other-worldly race of animals. What a girl!
Me, I’m still working as a carnie offering fried food to people all over the country. Sure, the hours are tough, but you can just imagine that meeting all those wonderful people makes the third-degree grease burns worth it!
Merry Christmas to you all!
Ok, can you tell I've always wanted to write a fake Christmas letter and my parents wouldn't let me?
"Serious" Update in the next few days.
Well, for most of you on this list, there will be no need for such a letter, as you have been burdened with details of our family on a monthly basis. Nonetheless, here is a re-cap of the past year’s events.
In March, we packed our bags for New Jersey, the lovely state that smells a bit like a casserole made of provolone cheese, tetrahydrozolene, and feet. It’s a lovely place whose charms are hidden (much like Atlantis), and even if they weren't they wouldn't be reachable because they would be on the left side of the road.
Regis, besides helping the family survive the 700-mile relocation, applied and was admitted into the Peace Corps. This of course is in addition to her time in the Coast Guard, which did not consume much of her time in Indiana, but is keeping her quite busy here in New Jersey. You see, they have a coast here. Well, I think they do, just on the other side of the trash. She is currently spending three days a week with the "Corps" serving hot meals to the impoverished children of Monaco, who you might imagine are among the world’s poorest.
Jimmy enrolled as a mercenary with a group of guys he met on the playground. From what I understand, in 1972 these men were part of a crack commando unit that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire them. He seems to be having a ball. Just the other day he helped "medicate" one of the men so that they could get him on to a plane, and then helped convert a 1976 Dodge Ram Van into some sort of artillery vehicle. Sounds exciting!
Maggie met some neat new friends in the woods by our house, many of whom were small in stature. She helped them get their home back in good repair, and cooked some meals for them. How helpful! She’s been very busy this year. When she learned that I was asked to be called up into the army in order to fight the invading Huns, she knew that I just didn’t have the time. So, what did Maggie do? She decided to disguise herself and join in my place.
And then there is our Annie. While not yet in school, she was asked to be homecoming queen of her "Lil’ Gym" class. We were honored, and she agreed to do it even though it meant she couldn’t join her teammates in the locker room at halftime. After all, she is the quarterback. Oh, and as you may have heard she ended up wandering into one of the closets in our new house and ended up participating in the emancipation of some other-worldly race of animals. What a girl!
Me, I’m still working as a carnie offering fried food to people all over the country. Sure, the hours are tough, but you can just imagine that meeting all those wonderful people makes the third-degree grease burns worth it!
Merry Christmas to you all!
Ok, can you tell I've always wanted to write a fake Christmas letter and my parents wouldn't let me?
"Serious" Update in the next few days.
posted by Watts at 5:44 PM
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